Parents Who Learn to Be Children
We do everything to make our children happy: a super-chic layette at birth, a one-month cake complete with video and photo album, not to mention the mega party for the first birthday. The child grows, the wardrobe is renewed, and why not let him choose what to buy for his baby wardrobe? When we go shopping, why not let him decide what to eat? On his first day of school his first text message will arrive: "Mum, Dad, today they're letting us out at 11:00, come and pick me up", because obviously he can't be without a mobile phone, nor without the WhatsApp group for the weekly meet-up at McDonald's with his little schoolmates. Obviously, instead of learning M for milk, they already have M for McDonald's "carved" into their minds.
I don't think I've exaggerated; in fact I've painted a "restrained" picture compared with what reality presents.
I won't make my parents' mistake with my child
We think the mistakes our parents made help us not to make them with our children: those who had little tend to give too much, and those who had too much tend to limit, exceptions aside. We think we're helping them, but we only grow a dissatisfaction that will lead them to desire and want more and more.
I'm still learning to be a mother. My son will soon turn a fine 20 and lives his life almost independently of his parents; people compliment me on his seriousness, his sense of responsibility, his manners, the way he relates to others and how he faces difficulties. I'm asked how I managed to raise my son like this, given my double role: father and mother.
An imperfect mum
I've always wanted the best as a mother, and this best was not always made of giving in with Yeses; I tried to give him freedom in the right dose, helping him mature in responsibility too.
Sometimes we struggle to understand what our children really need; we think they're better off among their grandparents' cuddles and we'd almost like to let the grandparents raise them; we see them having fun playing with other children, going out with friends when they're older, and we think they're satisfied enough, but are we sure they aren't developing empty spaces inside? That amid cuddles, games and fun they haven't longed instead for their parents' cuddles, their smiles, their understanding, their help, their attention, their gaze?
As a mother, today I tell you I wish I had devoted more time to my son. I remember the times when, as a little boy, he opened the bathroom door and I shouted at him to get out so as not to poison him, since I smoked back then. I also remember the times I shouted at him to be quiet because I had to watch my favourite TV series, etc. etc. etc. These are some examples of how we parents sometimes manage time badly: instead of giving it to our children, we waste it and even complain we don't have enough of it (time).
At a certain point I realised I had often missed the mark as a mother, and asking God for help, many times I found myself running in tears to my son's room, apologising for all the times my words had hurt him, for all the times he had wanted a hug and I had refused him, for all the times I hadn't understood his distress and hadn't comforted him; and many, many other times, instead, I was the one forgiving him.
A parent who doesn't only teach: Learns
Do you know what the biggest lesson I'm receiving as a parent is? That MY TASK IS NOT ONLY TO EDUCATE AND TEACH, but to LEARN.
To learn, as a Daughter of God, to have a loving heart: God wants to teach us to receive His love as children and to release love as parents (towards our children).
Just as God the Father doesn't demand perfection from us because He knows we are imperfect, in the same way He wants us, as parents, not to demand perfection from our children;
He surely wants them to be guided and educated, but that doesn't mean they won't make mistakes. Their mistakes towards us will lead us to become aware of how much Love God is, of how He manages to love us and keep trusting us even though we keep getting it wrong as children. All this is extraordinary, because it will lead us to grow a love more and more like His, with experience.
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Fatherin heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Gospel of Matthew 7:11